I struggle at times with posting as my sad side spills out way too easily in poetry....so I avoid putting too much of that out. Even I recognize when I sound way too much like Glum and need a dope slap.
Kudos to local sports personality Christian Fauria for publicizing his child's diabetic issues by doing a 25 hr phonathon on weei to help promote diabetic awareness. Good stuff.
Little cold out there....leaves are empty....cleanups then plow time...feel bad for my brothers and sisters who take a winter layoff...
hope for smooth travels and an early spring...
Last topic....enjoy thanksgiving....family and friends .....
Wednesday, November 13, 2019
Monday, October 14, 2019
another dream.....
It seems that my psychological life is becoming as paramount as the physical..which is steady but by no means perfect....
I just had a dream that blew my socks off. In this dream, i am laid off by my boss, who is also my older brother. Both of these pieces are true in the real realm. Rick was my last employer when all this physical shite went down and changed my life....about 4 years ago.
In the parts that I remember, Rick hires a bunch of people while I am holding a broom. We look at each other and shrug our shoulders as we know it's time for me to go. I never had such a coming to Jesus moment.....my sicknesses pulled me of the workfloor to the sidelines ....in the background plays Jungleland....I guess as the hunter becomes the hunted.....
The next scene gives me chills as Rick and the rest of the company follow me out to my car in a seemingly endless walk as seemingly thousands of people wish me well. Maybe representing all the people I have seen in 31 plus years of working...i was and am not much for goodbyes....i love people in a wallflower sit in the back kind of way ......goodbye is overrated and hugs are underrated. This dream is sad ... full of goodbyes and all the bullshit I hate.
I get the feel that moving on is impossible and a chore. For the record Rick and Kathy have been a pillar of support for me both since 2015 and before. As a man of business I was a frustrated teacher.....should have acted in that urge years ago.....never too late down here in Jungleland.....
Other pieces fly thro like wisps in a tornado......Dototheeeeee! You have the basis Willy Loman meets...well...me. A man not giving in or giving up, who leans on social media, music and the kindness if others and a cool wife and kids to cobble together a unconventional but cool life....
Tonight in jungleland......
I just had a dream that blew my socks off. In this dream, i am laid off by my boss, who is also my older brother. Both of these pieces are true in the real realm. Rick was my last employer when all this physical shite went down and changed my life....about 4 years ago.
In the parts that I remember, Rick hires a bunch of people while I am holding a broom. We look at each other and shrug our shoulders as we know it's time for me to go. I never had such a coming to Jesus moment.....my sicknesses pulled me of the workfloor to the sidelines ....in the background plays Jungleland....I guess as the hunter becomes the hunted.....
The next scene gives me chills as Rick and the rest of the company follow me out to my car in a seemingly endless walk as seemingly thousands of people wish me well. Maybe representing all the people I have seen in 31 plus years of working...i was and am not much for goodbyes....i love people in a wallflower sit in the back kind of way ......goodbye is overrated and hugs are underrated. This dream is sad ... full of goodbyes and all the bullshit I hate.
I get the feel that moving on is impossible and a chore. For the record Rick and Kathy have been a pillar of support for me both since 2015 and before. As a man of business I was a frustrated teacher.....should have acted in that urge years ago.....never too late down here in Jungleland.....
Other pieces fly thro like wisps in a tornado......Dototheeeeee! You have the basis Willy Loman meets...well...me. A man not giving in or giving up, who leans on social media, music and the kindness if others and a cool wife and kids to cobble together a unconventional but cool life....
Tonight in jungleland......
Wednesday, September 25, 2019
Catch 22
So, whoever wrote the movie Catch 22, with Alan Arkin.....was it Joseph Heller....I could use Google but that takes time.....well that fucking sumbitch was a genius. I have bumped into a come to Jesus catch 22 moment in life...
In the movie, the 'catch' involves whether Alan is crazy or not....he's told....well if you think you're crazy.. . then you aren't... if you don't think you're crazy.....well you get the gist.
We run into this shit all the time. My first catch 22 was at the age of 18. I wanted to major in English in college. Went in as an English major. Well, needless to say mom and dad wanted me to take a business track. At the age of 18 I was quiet, shy, not a boat rocker. I conformed....no big deal really. PC was a great fit and living at home and working or going to school locally would have been a tough go.
Fast forward 40 fucking years later. I am 57 and disabled. I can work part time and gratefully accept an ssi benefit. Boy...i have been feeling awesome lately and would love to teach. I was a trainer for about 12 of my 15 years working for Comstar.....proudly trained day and night shift....trained trainers....trained managers.....but in the back of my head was this unfulfilled desire to teach.....
So here i am......rocking like a hurricane.....and I have reached another come to Jesus moment...at least for me. I feel good....I want to do more....but if big brother [not my boy Rick, who I have outweighed since 10th grade-he can still wear teen clothes!] thinks I can work more I can jeopardize my benefit...my current catch 22.
I am whining.....i admit this. Some risks are worth rolling the.dice....this, probably not so much. I'd be a stupid peckerhead, and selfish, to risk a stable, healthy
and benefit laden life style.
Like in other parts of my life....I need a compromise to satisfy me and big brother.....local volunteerism....informal coaching....baby steps.....sometimes baby steps piss me off.
Geez...I wonder why I dream about unfinished credits at school....direct symbol of unfinished business......compromise and moderating the risk factor is more essential than my personal shit....bottom line.....gotta let that sink in...peace.
In the movie, the 'catch' involves whether Alan is crazy or not....he's told....well if you think you're crazy.. . then you aren't... if you don't think you're crazy.....well you get the gist.
We run into this shit all the time. My first catch 22 was at the age of 18. I wanted to major in English in college. Went in as an English major. Well, needless to say mom and dad wanted me to take a business track. At the age of 18 I was quiet, shy, not a boat rocker. I conformed....no big deal really. PC was a great fit and living at home and working or going to school locally would have been a tough go.
Fast forward 40 fucking years later. I am 57 and disabled. I can work part time and gratefully accept an ssi benefit. Boy...i have been feeling awesome lately and would love to teach. I was a trainer for about 12 of my 15 years working for Comstar.....proudly trained day and night shift....trained trainers....trained managers.....but in the back of my head was this unfulfilled desire to teach.....
So here i am......rocking like a hurricane.....and I have reached another come to Jesus moment...at least for me. I feel good....I want to do more....but if big brother [not my boy Rick, who I have outweighed since 10th grade-he can still wear teen clothes!] thinks I can work more I can jeopardize my benefit...my current catch 22.
I am whining.....i admit this. Some risks are worth rolling the.dice....this, probably not so much. I'd be a stupid peckerhead, and selfish, to risk a stable, healthy
and benefit laden life style.
Like in other parts of my life....I need a compromise to satisfy me and big brother.....local volunteerism....informal coaching....baby steps.....sometimes baby steps piss me off.
Geez...I wonder why I dream about unfinished credits at school....direct symbol of unfinished business......compromise and moderating the risk factor is more essential than my personal shit....bottom line.....gotta let that sink in...peace.
Tuesday, September 10, 2019
A Program Worth Keeping
https://www.salemnews.com/news/local_news/hospital-closing-program-for-mental-illness-addiction/article_301862a3-9047-5509-b591-7a93e184285d.html
Above is the link to a Salem News article written by Paul Leighton discussing the closing of a long standing program at Beverly hospital. The following is a plea from a person in the last graduating class......me.
I have never been a political person. my dial has always been moved by the emotional. Ask anyone who knows me.....reason always comes after that first visceral overreaction...like for many. I recently put a heartfelt post on facebook....Depression is no joke....it can affect anyone....it affects me. I consider my post a reasoned plea. I appreciate the response. I got into this program...at the last call...literally.
I decided to turn my luck into reality. I have 2 days left. The program is 6 hours a day mandatory daily attendance. To say this has helped me doesn't give the program enough credit. This orogram can either be the gateway to more treatment or a branch to outpatient care and support groups.
The program uses the DVT approach to teaching....is 12 step based in its roots and is more seminar and discussion based than mere handout and lecture. You won't snooze as you are engaged and involved. These folks are smart and passionate...
Between fb and my blog I figure I reach 200 people. I would love to hit more. This program needs to keep a presence here. Please pass the word on to the mayor and state rep.....anyone you think can wield influence...
I am doing extremely well. I will assume my part time job and dig into volunteerism locally. Be healthy and God bless.
Above is the link to a Salem News article written by Paul Leighton discussing the closing of a long standing program at Beverly hospital. The following is a plea from a person in the last graduating class......me.
I have never been a political person. my dial has always been moved by the emotional. Ask anyone who knows me.....reason always comes after that first visceral overreaction...like for many. I recently put a heartfelt post on facebook....Depression is no joke....it can affect anyone....it affects me. I consider my post a reasoned plea. I appreciate the response. I got into this program...at the last call...literally.
I decided to turn my luck into reality. I have 2 days left. The program is 6 hours a day mandatory daily attendance. To say this has helped me doesn't give the program enough credit. This orogram can either be the gateway to more treatment or a branch to outpatient care and support groups.
The program uses the DVT approach to teaching....is 12 step based in its roots and is more seminar and discussion based than mere handout and lecture. You won't snooze as you are engaged and involved. These folks are smart and passionate...
Between fb and my blog I figure I reach 200 people. I would love to hit more. This program needs to keep a presence here. Please pass the word on to the mayor and state rep.....anyone you think can wield influence...
I am doing extremely well. I will assume my part time job and dig into volunteerism locally. Be healthy and God bless.
Saturday, September 7, 2019
eyes should not be ignored
When you're managing diabetes, one thing that can be neglected is eyesight. For all the things that happened with my foot...heart...kidneys...I glossed over my eyes. somewhat intentional...i thought I was piling on and overdoing the sympathy card.
In March 2015, we had enough snow to cry uncle 1000 times over. i decuded to make myself available to service local folks with driveway and walkway snow clearing. I got a few jobs and broke a few shear pins...i carried extras and popped them on in the snow....
My first retinal bleed occurred in March....cant recall the exact date..I was putting my snowblower back into my truck using metal ramps when I experienced a total red and bleary washout in my right eye. I drive home and told Judy. I immediately called my eye guy who had been helping me with some minor eye stuff. This experience was painless but shocking as the end result was blinding.
I needed a procedure called a vitriectomy to take the blood out of the eye. Done at Mass Eye and Ear under local anesthetics, the eye is blocked....frozen...and a tiny surgical needle slash mini vacuum sucks the blood out. Cool part...you can see this hapoen!!! From the inside!!! Eye patch of course...day procedure....home you go lad. Either Debbi or Carol drove me in...i can't recall...regardless...a slight tangent but God bless Carol, Debbi, Rick, and the Jude. ...and the village.....huge thanks!!!!
At last count, starting in March 2015 I have had 8 of these procedures. Maybe 9....not sure....4 on each eye. Some of these happened alone....some happened in conjunction with other procedures. I had a bleed in October 2015 while I was recovering from a stent procedure gone awry...I had another one in April 2016 when I had my foot operation.
Again...no pity parties....the good news is I can now drive during the day...i have been driving since December 2017 and I can read. From March 2015 till November 2017 is my dark period....akternating times of no sight and partial sight.....again no pain....just no or limited vision.
The tricky thing about laser surgery to correct retinal bleeding, which is a very precise process of mapping and targeting hotspots and shooting them down Luke Skywalker style, is that you lose a little peripheral vision and incur scarring. The scarring can take away vision strength. It's a tradeoff I accept. Decent vision beats none. I gladly accept any mr magoo jokes as I can drive now...and life is good.
If you don't recall Mr Magoo...google it...absolutely priceless!
To wrap up....take care of your eyes. Yearly checks....glasses or contacts....and diabetics need to keep sugars in check. Retinal bleeds for me were quick...painless...and devastating. I wish these on no one. God bless.
In March 2015, we had enough snow to cry uncle 1000 times over. i decuded to make myself available to service local folks with driveway and walkway snow clearing. I got a few jobs and broke a few shear pins...i carried extras and popped them on in the snow....
My first retinal bleed occurred in March....cant recall the exact date..I was putting my snowblower back into my truck using metal ramps when I experienced a total red and bleary washout in my right eye. I drive home and told Judy. I immediately called my eye guy who had been helping me with some minor eye stuff. This experience was painless but shocking as the end result was blinding.
I needed a procedure called a vitriectomy to take the blood out of the eye. Done at Mass Eye and Ear under local anesthetics, the eye is blocked....frozen...and a tiny surgical needle slash mini vacuum sucks the blood out. Cool part...you can see this hapoen!!! From the inside!!! Eye patch of course...day procedure....home you go lad. Either Debbi or Carol drove me in...i can't recall...regardless...a slight tangent but God bless Carol, Debbi, Rick, and the Jude. ...and the village.....huge thanks!!!!
At last count, starting in March 2015 I have had 8 of these procedures. Maybe 9....not sure....4 on each eye. Some of these happened alone....some happened in conjunction with other procedures. I had a bleed in October 2015 while I was recovering from a stent procedure gone awry...I had another one in April 2016 when I had my foot operation.
Again...no pity parties....the good news is I can now drive during the day...i have been driving since December 2017 and I can read. From March 2015 till November 2017 is my dark period....akternating times of no sight and partial sight.....again no pain....just no or limited vision.
The tricky thing about laser surgery to correct retinal bleeding, which is a very precise process of mapping and targeting hotspots and shooting them down Luke Skywalker style, is that you lose a little peripheral vision and incur scarring. The scarring can take away vision strength. It's a tradeoff I accept. Decent vision beats none. I gladly accept any mr magoo jokes as I can drive now...and life is good.
If you don't recall Mr Magoo...google it...absolutely priceless!
To wrap up....take care of your eyes. Yearly checks....glasses or contacts....and diabetics need to keep sugars in check. Retinal bleeds for me were quick...painless...and devastating. I wish these on no one. God bless.
Wednesday, September 4, 2019
I don't need no shrink....
So...for a variety of reasons...some diabetic, some personal, I decided to enter a partial admit program at Beverly Hospital. The program is 10 days and covers a myriad of personal and self help topics. The goal here is give enough supports to matriculate to a support group or one on one therapy. One on one therapy and meds didn't help me from being grumpy and angry.
My point in bringing this into my discussion is twofold....you never know when you might need some help...and by the grace of God others have it much worse than me....and I am thankful for that. With me....always stress g the cautionary tale...
Don't be afraid to do the occasional self check...I know I ignored or denied issues for years and let them swell up to what turned into a decision point for me. Thankfully I did this voluntarily...
Moving on to happier stuff....I have been feeling well lately. Eyes are good....mobiliy is baseline with my walker....feeling my wild oats about wanting to do a little more....not sure this is advisable or feasible....my band of experts etc think I am crazy....Yup...maybe I am. But on the flip side...I do not want too much moss.growing on this middle aged stone. My limitations are many and pretty obvious....you won't catch me jogging past Endicott anymore..Peace to my friends and family.....watch out for the white van in Beverly.....
My point in bringing this into my discussion is twofold....you never know when you might need some help...and by the grace of God others have it much worse than me....and I am thankful for that. With me....always stress g the cautionary tale...
Don't be afraid to do the occasional self check...I know I ignored or denied issues for years and let them swell up to what turned into a decision point for me. Thankfully I did this voluntarily...
Moving on to happier stuff....I have been feeling well lately. Eyes are good....mobiliy is baseline with my walker....feeling my wild oats about wanting to do a little more....not sure this is advisable or feasible....my band of experts etc think I am crazy....Yup...maybe I am. But on the flip side...I do not want too much moss.growing on this middle aged stone. My limitations are many and pretty obvious....you won't catch me jogging past Endicott anymore..Peace to my friends and family.....watch out for the white van in Beverly.....
Tuesday, August 20, 2019
today
I don't usually do this on facebook....i have a blog ....but I'd like to share this. depression is looked at by some as an issue that can be fixed by tuning up with some meds...maybe a shrink or a life coach....but at some point the answer has to come from within on one's own terms. for me....maybe this all started at age 18 with my first dear John letter....
or at age 22 spending a night in a jail cell for dwi....i am realizing that my life is not just mine.....but belongs to my family and friends. I owe to me...my wife.....my kids....and my village of friends and extended family...to be well and be better. I could be cliche and call this an epiphZ!
any....but God has tossed in more than a few warning shots....i can't just keep ducking. I can't just do this my way on my terms....i have to consider letting the tribe in....and maybe admit that I have a problem that require daily attention....daily life attention...similar to being a diabetic with my daily regimen....i have a problem that really requires at this point an admission of responsibility.....owning at the bottom line that this on me...i have to manage it and be better to the people that care.
I'm not the poster child for depression....everyone has their own struggles and so do many others...and like my son loves at say when I screw something up...'It could be worse daddy'....he's right. this book has been written many times. my story is trite and I own it....all on me.
or at age 22 spending a night in a jail cell for dwi....i am realizing that my life is not just mine.....but belongs to my family and friends. I owe to me...my wife.....my kids....and my village of friends and extended family...to be well and be better. I could be cliche and call this an epiphZ!
any....but God has tossed in more than a few warning shots....i can't just keep ducking. I can't just do this my way on my terms....i have to consider letting the tribe in....and maybe admit that I have a problem that require daily attention....daily life attention...similar to being a diabetic with my daily regimen....i have a problem that really requires at this point an admission of responsibility.....owning at the bottom line that this on me...i have to manage it and be better to the people that care.
I'm not the poster child for depression....everyone has their own struggles and so do many others...and like my son loves at say when I screw something up...'It could be worse daddy'....he's right. this book has been written many times. my story is trite and I own it....all on me.
Saturday, July 20, 2019
Beware of a Fleecing
Today was full of activity on such a hot day. Someone hacked into a texting account.....pretended to be someone else....and tried to scam me out of 500 bucks....money I don't have in this get paid once a month fixed income world.
The website I was told to investigate was eda.com. Phone number is 402-833-7759; I sent a text and called.....scam city. Beverly police verified some things and I avoided giving them any money.
Now I will begin my rant. Anyone that will set up a fake site as a sting and target a middle aged crippled dude with brittle diabetes among other stuff is pathetic. The offer on the sting was 50k......the "fee" was 500 bucks....thankfully money I do not have and a fact that gave me pause to call the cops.
Gullible...yup. Anyone that knows me knows I am gullible. Hell....my kids get me on a daily basis....smart....well I used to think I was smart. I am relegated to occasional blogging and some activities in Beverly but I guess I am limited. Still looking to pick my spots and do stuff....but limited.
Don't feel sorry for me....I caught this before I got fleeced. Santander commercials in mind.....the pipe....fleeced....left with Jack squat.....you get the idea. I put some info on Facebook and list it here....call me cautionary tale man.....Don't get hooked. No such thing as a grant from EDA...it is absolute bullshit.
Moving on.....I had some recent checkups....eyes are good....a1c is high at 9.8 but dropping. Kidney function and chf function are at my established norms....ok...not great. I feel pretty good....drive around Beverly during the day....and see some friends occasionally. My brother Rick and sisters Carol and Debbie keep in touch....my in-laws the Norris clan of Beverly are great. I appreciate my friends and thankfully they reciprocate as they can.
No poems today...health update and ranting after almost getting a screw job. Watch your middle age and senior asses...God this blog is turning into a watchdog site....buyer beware.....etc etc.....
The website I was told to investigate was eda.com. Phone number is 402-833-7759; I sent a text and called.....scam city. Beverly police verified some things and I avoided giving them any money.
Now I will begin my rant. Anyone that will set up a fake site as a sting and target a middle aged crippled dude with brittle diabetes among other stuff is pathetic. The offer on the sting was 50k......the "fee" was 500 bucks....thankfully money I do not have and a fact that gave me pause to call the cops.
Gullible...yup. Anyone that knows me knows I am gullible. Hell....my kids get me on a daily basis....smart....well I used to think I was smart. I am relegated to occasional blogging and some activities in Beverly but I guess I am limited. Still looking to pick my spots and do stuff....but limited.
Don't feel sorry for me....I caught this before I got fleeced. Santander commercials in mind.....the pipe....fleeced....left with Jack squat.....you get the idea. I put some info on Facebook and list it here....call me cautionary tale man.....Don't get hooked. No such thing as a grant from EDA...it is absolute bullshit.
Moving on.....I had some recent checkups....eyes are good....a1c is high at 9.8 but dropping. Kidney function and chf function are at my established norms....ok...not great. I feel pretty good....drive around Beverly during the day....and see some friends occasionally. My brother Rick and sisters Carol and Debbie keep in touch....my in-laws the Norris clan of Beverly are great. I appreciate my friends and thankfully they reciprocate as they can.
No poems today...health update and ranting after almost getting a screw job. Watch your middle age and senior asses...God this blog is turning into a watchdog site....buyer beware.....etc etc.....
Thursday, May 23, 2019
All we have to do.....
Dreams for me have become a form of reality....a way to travel and experience stuff...a place full of magic and wonderment.....sometimes a place to avoid
Last night was no exception. My brother in law Brian and I drove to a magical place...watched rush perform live at their studio....thete were parents and children present....magical animals....secret doorways....great music....neither one of us love rush but the setting was a magical vacation the likes we have never seen.
.no camping or biking trip...fantasy island meets Rush on tour.....
Back in North Beverly..I plod along...my diabetic stuff is holding serve...minor foot issues that require rest and minor treatment..dilligence and patience needed... never strong points but working at it....nred some West Beach time and warmth....friends and fb buddies please check in ....my diabetic rants are shorter as I deal with maintenance....stay tuned into your health and work issues aggressively....there are no do overs...peace....
Last night was no exception. My brother in law Brian and I drove to a magical place...watched rush perform live at their studio....thete were parents and children present....magical animals....secret doorways....great music....neither one of us love rush but the setting was a magical vacation the likes we have never seen.
.no camping or biking trip...fantasy island meets Rush on tour.....
Back in North Beverly..I plod along...my diabetic stuff is holding serve...minor foot issues that require rest and minor treatment..dilligence and patience needed... never strong points but working at it....nred some West Beach time and warmth....friends and fb buddies please check in ....my diabetic rants are shorter as I deal with maintenance....stay tuned into your health and work issues aggressively....there are no do overs...peace....
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