Catch 22

     So, whoever wrote the movie Catch 22, with Alan Arkin.....was it Joseph Heller....I could use Google but that takes time.....well that fucking sumbitch was a genius. I have bumped into a come to Jesus catch 22 moment in life...
     In the movie,  the 'catch' involves whether Alan is crazy or not....he's told....well if you think you're crazy.. . then you aren't... if you don't think you're crazy.....well you get the gist.
     We run into this shit all the time. My first catch 22 was at the age of 18. I wanted to major in English in college. Went in as an English major. Well, needless to say mom and dad wanted me to take a business track. At the age of 18 I was quiet, shy, not a boat rocker.  I conformed....no big deal really. PC was a great fit and living at home and working or going to school locally would have been a tough go.
     Fast forward 40 fucking years later. I am 57 and disabled. I can work part time and gratefully accept an ssi benefit. Boy...i have been feeling awesome lately and would love to teach. I was a trainer for about 12 of my 15 years working for Comstar.....proudly trained day and night shift....trained trainers....trained managers.....but in the back of my head was this unfulfilled desire to teach.....
     So here i am......rocking like a hurricane.....and I have reached another come to Jesus moment...at least for me. I feel good....I want to do more....but if big brother [not my boy Rick,  who I have outweighed since 10th grade-he can still wear teen clothes!] thinks I can work more I can jeopardize my benefit...my current catch 22.
     I am whining.....i admit this. Some risks are worth rolling the.dice....this, probably not so much. I'd be a stupid peckerhead, and selfish, to risk a stable, healthy
and benefit laden life style.
     Like in other parts of my life....I need a compromise to satisfy me and big brother.....local volunteerism....informal coaching....baby steps.....sometimes baby steps piss me off.
     Geez...I wonder why I dream about unfinished credits at school....direct symbol of unfinished business......compromise and moderating the risk factor is more essential than my personal shit....bottom line.....gotta let that sink in...peace.

A Program Worth Keeping

https://www.salemnews.com/news/local_news/hospital-closing-program-for-mental-illness-addiction/article_301862a3-9047-5509-b591-7a93e184285d.html

     Above is the link to a Salem News article written by Paul Leighton discussing the closing of a long standing program at Beverly hospital.  The following is a plea from a person in the last graduating class......me.

     I have never been a political person. my dial has always been moved by the emotional.  Ask anyone who knows me.....reason always comes after that first visceral overreaction...like for many.  I recently put a heartfelt post on facebook....Depression is no joke....it can affect anyone....it affects me.  I consider my post a reasoned plea.  I appreciate the response. I got into this program...at the last call...literally.

     I decided to turn my luck into reality. I have 2 days left. The program is 6 hours a day mandatory daily attendance. To say this has helped me doesn't give the program enough credit. This orogram can either be the gateway to more treatment or a branch to outpatient care and support groups.

     The program uses the DVT approach to teaching....is 12 step based in its roots and is more seminar and discussion based than mere handout and lecture. You won't snooze as you are engaged and involved. These folks are smart and passionate...

     Between fb and my blog I figure I reach 200 people.  I would love to hit more.  This program needs to keep a presence here.  Please pass the word on to the mayor and state rep.....anyone you think can wield influence...

     I am doing extremely well. I will assume my part time job and dig into volunteerism locally. Be healthy and God bless.

eyes should not be ignored

     When you're managing diabetes, one thing that can be neglected is eyesight. For all the things that happened with my foot...heart...kidneys...I glossed over my eyes. somewhat intentional...i thought I was piling on and overdoing the sympathy card.

     In March 2015, we had enough snow to cry uncle 1000 times over. i decuded to make myself available to service local folks with driveway and walkway snow clearing. I got a few jobs and broke a few shear pins...i carried extras and popped them on in the snow....

     My first retinal bleed occurred in March....cant recall the exact date..I was putting my snowblower back into my truck using metal ramps when I experienced a total red and bleary washout in my right eye. I drive home and told Judy. I immediately called my eye guy who had been helping me with some minor eye stuff. This experience was painless but shocking as the end result was blinding.

     I needed a procedure called a vitriectomy to take the blood out of the eye. Done at Mass Eye and Ear under local anesthetics, the eye is blocked....frozen...and a tiny surgical needle slash mini vacuum sucks the blood out. Cool part...you can see this hapoen!!! From the inside!!! Eye patch of course...day procedure....home you go lad. Either Debbi or Carol drove me in...i can't recall...regardless...a slight tangent but God bless Carol, Debbi, Rick, and the Jude. ...and the village.....huge thanks!!!!

     At last count, starting in March 2015 I have had 8 of these procedures. Maybe 9....not sure....4 on each eye. Some of these happened alone....some happened in conjunction with other procedures.  I had a bleed in October 2015 while I was recovering from a stent procedure gone awry...I had another one in April 2016 when I had my foot operation.

   Again...no pity parties....the good news is I can now drive during the day...i have been driving since December 2017 and I can read. From March 2015 till November 2017 is my dark period....akternating times of no sight and partial sight.....again no pain....just no or limited vision.

     The tricky thing about laser surgery to correct retinal bleeding, which is a very precise process of mapping and targeting hotspots and shooting them down Luke Skywalker style, is that you lose a little peripheral vision and incur scarring. The scarring can take away vision strength.  It's a tradeoff I accept. Decent vision beats none. I gladly accept any mr magoo jokes as I can drive now...and life is good.

     If you don't recall Mr Magoo...google it...absolutely priceless!

     To wrap up....take care of your eyes. Yearly checks....glasses or contacts....and diabetics need to keep sugars in check. Retinal bleeds for me were quick...painless...and devastating. I wish these on no one. God bless.

I don't need no shrink....

     So...for a variety of reasons...some diabetic, some personal, I decided to enter a partial admit program at Beverly Hospital. The program is 10 days and covers a myriad of personal and self help topics. The goal here is give enough supports to matriculate to a support group or one on one therapy. One on one therapy and meds didn't help me from being grumpy and angry.

     My point in bringing this into my discussion is twofold....you never know when you might need some help...and by the grace of God others have it much worse than me....and I am thankful for that. With me....always stress g the cautionary tale...
   
     Don't be afraid to do the occasional self check...I know I ignored or denied issues for years and let them swell up to what turned into a decision point for me. Thankfully I did this voluntarily...

     Moving on to happier stuff....I have been feeling well lately. Eyes are good....mobiliy is baseline with my walker....feeling my wild oats about wanting to do a little more....not sure this is advisable or feasible....my band of experts etc think I am crazy....Yup...maybe I am. But on the flip side...I do not want too much moss.growing on this middle aged stone. My limitations are many and pretty obvious....you won't catch me jogging past Endicott anymore..Peace to my friends  and family.....watch out for the white van in Beverly.....