Catch 22

     So, whoever wrote the movie Catch 22, with Alan Arkin.....was it Joseph Heller....I could use Google but that takes time.....well that fucking sumbitch was a genius. I have bumped into a come to Jesus catch 22 moment in life...
     In the movie,  the 'catch' involves whether Alan is crazy or not....he's told....well if you think you're crazy.. . then you aren't... if you don't think you're crazy.....well you get the gist.
     We run into this shit all the time. My first catch 22 was at the age of 18. I wanted to major in English in college. Went in as an English major. Well, needless to say mom and dad wanted me to take a business track. At the age of 18 I was quiet, shy, not a boat rocker.  I conformed....no big deal really. PC was a great fit and living at home and working or going to school locally would have been a tough go.
     Fast forward 40 fucking years later. I am 57 and disabled. I can work part time and gratefully accept an ssi benefit. Boy...i have been feeling awesome lately and would love to teach. I was a trainer for about 12 of my 15 years working for Comstar.....proudly trained day and night shift....trained trainers....trained managers.....but in the back of my head was this unfulfilled desire to teach.....
     So here i am......rocking like a hurricane.....and I have reached another come to Jesus moment...at least for me. I feel good....I want to do more....but if big brother [not my boy Rick,  who I have outweighed since 10th grade-he can still wear teen clothes!] thinks I can work more I can jeopardize my benefit...my current catch 22.
     I am whining.....i admit this. Some risks are worth rolling the.dice....this, probably not so much. I'd be a stupid peckerhead, and selfish, to risk a stable, healthy
and benefit laden life style.
     Like in other parts of my life....I need a compromise to satisfy me and big brother.....local volunteerism....informal coaching....baby steps.....sometimes baby steps piss me off.
     Geez...I wonder why I dream about unfinished credits at school....direct symbol of unfinished business......compromise and moderating the risk factor is more essential than my personal shit....bottom line.....gotta let that sink in...peace.