Dreams

     I know... I know. I was just here with you a couple days ago.
I give you a brief medical update , kind of like spring cleaning. Tonight, on the eve of my 31st anniversary, I have a topic to invoke into the conversation. Dreams! I know that the whole topic of dreams dealing with psychologists and shrinks is not the easiest area to delve into . Maybe I am experiencing Facebook bravery in my old age and have a willingness to talk about things in print that I would otherwise forgo. I see a psychotherapist about once every two weeks. I have been through a lot, and it was suggested by more than one medical professional that I may wish to seek help based on all the things that I've been through . 1970s mentality , which is the way I was brought up , would have dictated that I toughen up and deal with my problems and be a man. Fast forward to the 2000's ... Real problems demand real answers . I am not John Wayne. For all I know he saw a shrink! Who knows....
     So back to the dream... Remember the dream? I've been having this semi redundant dream for years . When I explain this , it may make no sense.  I'll let you be the judge. The scenario is simple. The timeframe is now . I am a middle-aged man who is three courses short of graduating from college . For some reason the number is always three . I go back to school. I enroll in the courses. In p:/ast dreams I always woke up before I found out if I passed or I failed. Tonight , it was revealed that I failed all three courses . Strange part of the dream is that it happens in my real day life . I am married with children living in Beverly and yet I have to uproot myself and go to Providence Rhode Island and take these courses at Providence College....My alma  mater..... I was no genius but I have the piece of paper that tells the tale. Hell, I even have a picture on Facebook of me receiving the diploma with the wrong hand!
     So many things about this dream make absolutely no sense. I have a degree. I have no desire for an advanced degree. In this dream scenario, I keep going back to school to try to finish something that I've already finished . In the stream scenario, I am also ashamed of failing and don't want to tell my parents that I failed. Mind you, in real life, both of my parents are with God now and have no impact on my current life in terms of me living at home or anything like that . .. Very strange. Juxtaposed with all of these happenings is the fact that I am still married and have two kids who are living in Beverly and going to school and doing their stuff simultaneously. ... How the hell am I juggling these two lives? To me, the dream makes no sense. I put this in my blog as I have had this dream at least 20 times in my life, probably a lot more. In reality, I can barely handle working 10 hours a week and go to the gym a couple times a week without getting really tired. I do not have the energy to be able to take classes, never mind uproot my life, go to Rhode Island, and do all this stuff. It's a very odd scenario , and obviously I fail in completing the scenario every time....either partially or in totality...there is no Jetson or Star Trek capability to run dual lives...
     I'm not necessarily looking for an answer to the dream scenario. It is what it is, and I suspect I'll have the dream again. It's not a scary dream. As a high school kid, I used to love to write. Like many of my peers who went to St. John's prep, writing was pretty much the backbone of everything we did. Most of my peers probably were excellent writers, and some of them went on to write books and do great things in the literary field. Even if they didn't, my guess is they can al write fairly well. In my career I have worked as a garden center sales person and as a medical billing manager. There is certainly aspects of the job that I either didn't like or came up a little bit short on, but my ability to write and communicate with others was never a question . In college, I never flunked class. My senior year, I chose to drop journalism class because I thought the teacher was an asshole. In retrospect, maybe I should've gutted out the class as I loved to write,still do... My teacher told me that my style was too stream of consciousness based to be a journalist, which is definitely true. Guilty as charged, judge. The first assignment was to write your own obituary. I thought the assignment was a joke as a 21-year-old kid so I wrote it from the perspective of a 21-year-old kid with two parents, a make-believe wife, make-believe kids, etc  so I concocted an obituary . I guess I missed the fucking boat...The professor thought it was complete bullshit. My response to him was, how do you want me to present an obituary as a 21-year-old guy who loves beer and has a full family and an unfinished life? No shit I made one up....I guess my roots in cynicism and New England humor run deep ...exposed at an early age... These roots are exposed to this day. I do not have the temperament or the delivery to be a comedian. I'll leave that to my buddy Jimmy Dunn. That's his department. At the age of 55 I'm still trying to find my niche. I'm not complaining as I'm glad to be here ! I really am. I'm still on the search...
     The conclusion I draw from the stream is that I still have more to say. Life is here to seize....so seize it in your own way. The story is not over . So, I will continue to talk to you folks . The topics may get weirder . I do not care if I ever make a dime off of this . If I can make you cry, make you laugh , and make you think , then I think I'm on the right track .
     31 years ago today, I got married. It was a rainy day. We went to Niagara Falls for our honeymoon. It rained the whole goddamn week! People often comment that rain is a good thing on a wedding scenario . Let's say so far it has given us pretty good luck. Cheers to my sweet Judy blue eyes.